Went and celebrated Black Friday...er, sorda. When to shoe carnival, at like 10am (there aint no way you catching me up in there at no 5am, not for this low end crap...designer? now thats a different story) caught some pretty sweet sales and bought super cute shoes. I bought three pairs of boots (mid-calf to knee length) super duper cute shoes that I absolutely LOVE, super excited about my boots. Unfortunately all of my jeans are flares or something of the sort, so they look loose and stupid when trying to be pulled into a pair of boots. What I really need is a a nice tight leg like the skinny jean to wear. Unfortunately skinny jeans look freaky on my figure because I'm so fucking fat. I have a huge waist, large hips, and small legs, so I look disproportionate and scary...ugh, fuck my life. According to fashionbug.com sizing chart, I am somewhere in the 2X for waist and L for hips...whats wrong with this picture?

please, no more. I quit, just stop stop STOP. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to shake people into caring. I want to sleep. I want to never wake up. Never wake up. I quit.

It has just been an overall tough month. I ended up having to drop one class because I was in danger of failing. This was the first time I have ever dropped a class. This is the first time that I have gotten that far, that I reached "the point of no return" where I was going to fail so I was forced to drop it. I'm still at 14 hours, a decent amount, but it doesn't help my plans to graduate on time. I could just see the disapproval in my moms face, hear it in her voice. My dad understands, he's failed a class in college before, he's a full believer in drop it if you can't make it. He still didn't like that I dropped, he still thinks that i had a chance.
My grade in Calculus hangs in the balance. My first test was passable, a C, my second test was better, a B. My quizzes are slowly increasing. That second test was easier, I felt I had a shot for an A. I knew those problems too...but I made stupid mistakes. Stupid fucking mistakes that cost me my A. I felt so stupid, like such an idiot, for making those mistakes. I really should be happy with a B, but I wasn't. I was so depressed. Besides that is another test I took. I improved once again, by 10 points, one letter grade, but I just went from a D to a C. I don't like those kind of grades. I don't accept those kinds of grades from myself. Now i'm afraid of what remains in that class.
My art class is a lot of fun. I'm having a blast, but I'm not doing so hot. My grade is fine, but I hate my pieces. This seems to come so much easier to for everyone else. Sometimes I feel so stupid and incompetant when I look  at my pieces compared to others. To top it off, the first day after crit, starting a new section I didn't wake up with my alarm and overslept. rolled in to class  extremely late. Not only did I look stupid to my teachers (plus the walk of shame of just walking in late sucks) but I felt stupid when I didn't know what I was doing. I still have a lot to learn.
All of this just combined into one. It all happened within maybe a week of each other. I felt so stupid, depressed, incompetant, disapointed, I was in a really dark place for a while. A really dark place. A place that people worry when I get into. Worse even is no one knows and I can't talk about it because I feel so stupid for being there in the first place and the reason why I am.
Halloween was a blast. A welcome break.  I made my costume (part of it at least) I was a pirate. I loved it! I carved a pumpkin. I carved Eric from True Blood. Didn't look half bad if I do say so myself. I wish I had another pumkin to carve. I wanted to carve a fleur-de-lis Saints one since we are so AWESOME! But no such luck. I also paper mached some tombstones, lol. Halloween I had to work, but it was all good because I got to dress up and I got to leave early. I went over to BFFs house for her son's b-day party and trick or treating. Kid is adorable. was cranky until he realized he was getting candy out of this deal, then he perked up, lol. After that, went home and went out with my sister to Frenchman street. CRAZY busy! walked it for a bit then said it was too busy and went to bourbon. Still busy, but less so. stayed a while then walked to Riverwalk to be picked up....we walked teh entire frenchquarter that night, not bad.
I woke up the next morning to find out my great-uncle had died. He was sick, and we knew it was coming, He was given two weeks left about 2 months ago. It really woke me up so to speak. Now I can only think of my grandparents and family. The thought of my grandparents dying scares the the living shit out of me. I can't even imagine. I would break down completely. But I know its coming. My grandfather is 88, were lucky he's still here. I hope hes here for another 80 (or at least 10). My grandmother too. I really hope nothing happens to them anytime soon.
Work has gotten worse. I'm so busy with school that work is getting in the way. Its affecting my school work and I really should go seasonal. But I need the money and I don't want to miss any opportunities that present themself. I"m not sure how to play this out.

-*sighs*...is now friends with her PARENTS on Facebook...is trying to decide if that is a good or bad thing...
-needs more friends on facebook, look me up!
-talked to advisor, talked to teacher, think best option is to drop my class...hesitant to do so b/c of losing hours and becoming behind even more than I already am...trying to avoid being a 5th year student and paying another semester or two of college...
-took Calculus test, praying for decent grade, really really really needs good grade


-Race for the Cure, Sunday city park, please come and help support breast cancer by getting in shape. Get your 30 minute workout by supporting a good cause! www.komenneworleans.org for more info

now what? I'm so lost, I don't even know where I am anymore. I have no idea what to do. I don't know how to continue or even where to start. what have I gotten myself into. I'm drowning and I can't surface. I don't even have a chance to stop and take a deep breath. All of a sudden it started.  A couple of weeks ago midterms happened. All at once. Each class, every class, all at once. I didn't know what to do. Its happeneing again. Each class, every class, I don't know what to do. I have so much work I have to do. So much I need to look over, to sudy, so many classes I'm trying to pass. I allowed myself leeway on the first test. After all, screwing up on one test is not bad, that can be made up for in other test/assignments. Now theres another test and I don't know where to begin. I don't like half the classes I'm taking. I wish I could just start over.

One class should be really easy, but I'm not dedicated the time needed on it to do well. Another class is really hard, and I'm trying to balance it out with everything else and still do well. Once class require a lot of in studio work time (can't be done at home). One class seems easy enough, but is boring, I do not care, I am suffering. One class meets once a week, twice I did not know there was a test. Twice I walked in without studying or anything. TWICE! Out of three total tests. Now I have no idea what to do. I feel I must drop a class, but I do not know what is my best option.

Help...

What am I getting myself into? Tulane is a great school, and I really want to be here, but my biggest fear is already coming true, I'm already flunking my classes. I really need to step up my game. It is partly my fault, I'm not studying or paying attention when I should be. I really started craking down this week though, because midterms are coming up and I really need to do well.
Calculus suck ass, by the way, but I need to not only pass it, but also understand it if I want to succeed in my field of study. Wish me luck with that.
I feel like shit, and now is not the time to be getting sick. Now I'm starting to think I should have gotten that flu shot. I have midterms in a week, luckily, after that is fall break.
Threw my dad for a loop when I mentioned I was looking into the navy. I always thought I couldn't do it that I wasn't cut out for it, but after seeing three friends of mine join, I'm reconsidering what I think of myself. Nothing is decided yet, but it is a possibility. I just wish I had someone to talk this through with, because my dad is no help.
I said I would never get a myspace, but I did to keep up with katrina friends...then I said I'm happy with what I have, I'm not going to get a facebook...I'm eating my words once again. Check me out on facebook...
Ugh, my head is all foggy, may go into more details later, now going to sleep.

I had a dream that I had drinks with one of my managers at work (the female one, thank goodness, so it was more like friends going out than anything more) and inside the place (it reminded me of a Hooter's, relaxed type atmosphere where you can get food and drinks) a group of guys that were in the Navy, dressed in thier khaki uniforms, walked in. I forget who got up first, me or her, but either way I woke up right afterwards. Kinda weirded out, I can understand the Navy guys, I'm just don't know about the manager or drinks part. This is a manager I think doesn't really like me that much.
I'm really conflicted right now on what to do. I don't really know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I don't know if I should to switch my major to Geology from the very similar Envrionmental Science (even though I want to) because it may put me behind in schooling. I don't know if I should look into living on campus next semester, look into an apartment, or stay at home (the commute is killing me, I'd be so much more active and productive if I lived on/closer to campus, but I'm already paying a shit ton of money for school, I don't think that I can afford anything else). I'm starting to seriously consider joining the military, more specifically the Navy. I grew up surrounded by the Navy, and I enjoyed that life style. Plus the Navy can pay for my schooling and Tulane has a really nice ROTC program. But I'm nowhere near in shape and I don't know if I'm cut out for the military. And I'm not even sure if I can be incorporated into the ROTC program right now, I'm already 2 year into school. I'm torn between what to do at work. RIght now, work is really starting to be too much, but I don't want to lose my semi-steady income or my chance at a promotion (which is coming up right now, I'm going to re-apply for the hell of it, even tho that just might make things worse).
My sister wrecked her car. She wasn't paying attention and rear-ended a friend of hers (why they were in seperate cars, don't ask me). She didn't even get written a ticket. Good thing her car isn't totalled, bad thing is it will be about 8+ grand to repair, and she doesn't have a car for a couple of days and has a very active lifestyle (she literally spends half her time at home, so losing her car is a tragedy to her). I hope they make her pay for it. She's an adult and she still gets so much leverage and leeway. There is a certain amount of enmity from me to her becaue of this. There is a part of me that is glad that she got into a wreck. My wreck still haunts me to this day, and I want her to know how I feel. There is a part of me that says 'your an idiot, thats what you get for not paying attention'. I feel guilty for feeling this way, because it could happen to anyone, including me. I feel like i'm going to be struck down my lightning or something to thinking this way. The other part of me says "that sucks, not having a car and having to be taxied around everywhere" and "*gasp* a wreck, you poor thing, those are the worst things ever."
To add to that, I have 3 tests and quiz this week. I've already forgotten about one test until I waked into class. Now i have to stress out over a Calculus test (I have no idea what is going on in that class). I feel so behind and lost in my classes. I just need a couple of days to reorganize and catch up.

HOLY MOLEY! Where has the time gone. I can't believe it...I'm turning 20 on Monday!!! 20! Oh My GOD! I'm less than a week away from no longer being a teenager, I'm nearly a year away from being able to legally drink. When did all of this happen? Its all so unreal, it seems like weeks ago I moved to New Orleans, when I started middle school, when I started high school, when Katrina hit, when I turned 16 and started working, driving, when I (finally) graduated high school, and now I'm two years into college, I'm going to Tulane, and I'm turning 20. Oh My God...

Besides wondering in awe at how fast time is flying (I can still remember a time as a child when being a teenager was forever away, and now I'm going into my 20s) I"M GOING TO BE 20! I am also having the birthday of a lifetime! Saturday night, september 12 I am starting off the weekend by going out to Bourbon. ALL AND EVERONE IS WELCOME! I want everyone to come! Monday will be a day with my family (unfortunately I have school that day and the next) and the following week I hope to go out again with more friends, so pick a day and show up (and bring lots of presents!)

Who? Lauren
What? Birthday
When? Monday, September 14 (to be celebrated Saturday, September 12), whatever time is best for people
Where? All over, mainly Bourbon
Why? 'cause I said so, bitches!

Please...pretty please, with ice cream and candy is chocolate syrup and whip cream and sprinkles and cherries and sugar on top

Even in my dreams, my mother is still insufferable. Oh, the irony. I'm am dreading my vacation to D.C. in a couple of weeks because it will be one full week with my mother and my sister and no father to keep them at bay or to defend me, so I will be utterly defenseless against the two people who drive me most crazy in the whole work...shoot me now. A couple of days was bad enough, but a week!

Sigh...jipped, once again. Alas, my hopes for promotion were once again to no avail, but not all is lost. I am very satisfied with thier choice of promotion. This guy is an honest, hardworking, humble, friendly individual who won't let the position get to his head (like another certain someone I work with, friggin arrogant ass trying to order me around like I'm not older and haven't been working twice as long as he has). I think things will work out for the best, and I believe that the best person has been chosen. Now, if only they will realize that I'm the next best, and when promotions come around again, I have a better chance.
Surpirsingly enough, I'm not overly upset about this loss. I had a heads up after I never got called back for an interview. And although I did get upset, I was glad they picked who they picked. I feel that my chanced were much more better this time around because its no longer the GM's decision. There is now a 'board' of sorts who review the applicants and call them back for interviews and pick the best individual. This board does not include my GM, and it does include two people who I'm familiar with and may or may not be familiar with me. Reguardless of this, my paranoia did still lead me to wonder whether I even had a fighting chance, if I was completely looked over b/c of former leads applying, if I was ever even looked at, or if my application even made it to them (like what if my manager decided to pick and choose who he wanted to apply and pulled some out, but if I started believing that, then I would really screw myself over).
Second good work news is that there is another reshuffling of managers and one of the managers that I was friendly with from another theatre (who I know is a gamer, so I think we can relate somewhat) is now coming to work at our theatre for good. I'm excited, this guy is awesome!

It feels so good to be ignored, especially by your own mother.

Maybe one day she'll wake up and realize how much she hurts me. Perhaps she'll think next time before she does something. Possibly she'll notice the tears I shed in anger, aggrivation, and frustration all because of her and her mindless, tactless actions.

Then again, maybe one day I'll rule the world...when pigs fly, hell freezes over, and chickens have lips.

One day she's going to wonder what happened to us. Where did our relationship go wrong? When did things get so bad? And at that point I'll be long gone and she'll be left to think alone if she screwed up.

OH MY GOD...Oh my god! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE WITH MY MOVIE!!!!! The new Harry Potter movie SUCKED!!! Seriously...I mean Seriously? Did they seriously do that? Like oh my god, they totally fucked up. That was the WORST ENDING of ALL TIME!!! I"m Pissed! LIke What the Fuck? What the fuck? Oh my god, WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Just to clarify, the movie, is average. Half bad, half good. The ending is so fucking horrible though! It's ridiculous and anti-climatic and I dare anyone to challenge me on it not being anti-climatic. Of course they have to change a few things, and leave some stuff out, but I believe the things that they let out were integral parts of the story (not to mention one of my favorite characters!). The movie did have some good points though


( Warning: The following information contains spoilers! You have been warned... )
I'm still reeling over that ending...what have they done!

I just turned in my application for a promotion...

wish me luck...pray for me

WOOT!!! LEVEL 80!!! FINALLY!

As I'm sure everyone knows by now, Michael Jackson is dead. The king of pop is seriously dead. While I had no real interest in him or his music, and a majority of what I know of him is his child molestation, his weird ever-changing look and his freak man-child behavior, I am still baffled by this. This was a man that many my age do not realize the significance of what he did. He pretty much shattered the color barriers on TV and opened the way for pretty much all of the black performers we know today. He was a legend, and icon, familiar to even those my age. I was actually just thinking the other day (before I found out) about how I will probably live to watch most of those  famous actors I know nowadays to die. People that pretty much everyone knows thier name. This was brought on after looking at the cast of the original Star Trek series and finding that several of those famous people are dead. I realized that with the age they are now, I would probably live to see William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy die. Although thier deaths are probably years away, I will still probably live to witness it. It's a little unsettling to think of this and then a few days later a famous pop icon die.

This all reminds me of the death of Heath Ledger. I am still trying to get grip with that. Every time I think about him or his movies I'm like "Oh my god, He's Dead... :( I'll never see another one of his movies or his amazing acting again (in something new that it) he died way to young." The fact that Heath Ledger, a young healthy individual in the prime of his career keeling over dead, still blows my mind. And then after thinking about him dying I think about all of the other actors who I will probably see die (Ian McKellan, Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, etc). Maybe its weird that my mind just wanders there, but thats what it does.

The FUNNIEST part of all was when I first found out. I was at work and suddenly this girl comes up and is like "Guys, Michael Jackson is dead!" and it all went downhill from there. I was like "get real, are you serious? SERIOUSLY! He's Dead?!" One of my co-workers (younger than me) started wailing. I am not kidding, literally wailing, and bending like his knees were weak. "HE's DEEEEAAAADD. OOOOOOHHHHHHH, HE'S DEAD! I CAN"T WORK ANYMORE" He was almost crying. I was like "dude, get a GRIP!" Of that people that were there, it was mayhem. Everyone got out thier smart phones and was on teh internet or calling someone. "OH! ITs unconfirmed, its not true. " "Mom! Mom! Michael Jackson is dead". "Ahhh! He's dead, its true!" I just shook my head, pulled out my lame ass phone (no internet capability, only the number keyboard, pretty standard, straighforward, phone.) and texted my sister 'apparently Michael Jackson is dead' my response? 'really? I did not know that' Everyone else knew in matter of seconds. I talked with another girl. She was like "yea, I heard, I dont' really care." I was like "THANK YOU! Same here, I don't understand why everyone my age is freaking out." "he raped little boys, I don't really care." "yea, me too." Then teh radio was all like "remembering Michael Jackson" and playing his songs and people on WoW were holding an in-game memorial type thing. I just sat back and watched it all happen.

...once again, my tiny little "my thoughts on this" blurb became a three paragraph long spiel...oh well, I needed to tell someone about what I thought about all this

I just bonded with two people at work over anime and how stupid the concept of sparkling vampires is...how awesome is that

I am going to kill my sister. She is so dead. I can't believe she did this to me. First, while she's at work, she tells one of her guy friends that is perfectly fine to come over while she's not there to pick up his clothes that he left over here one time when he went swimming over here. Then she fails to tell me that he is coming over, so I come inside after swimming and he's inside. Here I am in a bikini with a guy who has a come on to me before. If thats not bad enough, he pulls me into a hug and makes a suggestion that we go take a shower together, I'm already wet and half naked. I turn him down, he asks if I have a boyfriend yet and tells me he is no longer with his girlfriend. We look for his clothes and can't find it so I call my sister. I turn to him only to find his fly unzipped and him pulling his penis out. Its probably a good thing she didn't pick up the phone, I would have yelled at her right then a there. I tell him to stop and he zips it in and leaves like that never happened.

I should have lied and said I had a boyfriend. I think I will be scarred for the rest of the day until I successfully block out how disturbing that was. He is so much bigger than me, he could have easily subdued me, and with no one else home, no one would have known. And this is the guy my sister has a crush on...well good for her. She can have him.

what do you do when there is nothing more you can do and what you did is not good enough? I am trying to stay strong and not to slip into complete dispair and just give up because I still have another exam left. I don't know what to do anymore. It doesn't seem worth it to try, I'm screwed either way.

I hate finals. I hate school. I hate life. I hate everything.

So my lack of sleep finally caught up with me...unfortunately it was on the eve of two tests and a big project due. So I spent the day taking a nap because I felt so bad and that night regretting that nap as I was swamped with work but if I hadn't taken that nap I wouldn't have gotten any word done at all. Conversely, I got very little studying done. I got into my art history test that morning thinking "he drops a test, this is going to be the test that I drop". I went into my next test freaking out trying to get ANY last minute studying done possible and came out not feeling too great about it or myself (this was the class that I considered dropping because I was doing so bad). I made a 96 on my art history test and a 92 on my Micro test. Someone up there was watching out for me that day, because how the hell I managed to pull that off I have no idea. It was a sheer miracle. I stood there in shock when I found out.

Fortunately this was the week right before spring break, so I was given a week to rest and recover.
-My easter was spent with family drinking all the carbonated beverages and eating all the sweets I could (my lenten resolution was the cut down, and I did...for the most part).
-I spent a lot of time with Bethany. I had a great time, it was a great opportunity to hang out and catch up since I'm always gone. I need to do that agian sometime.
-I also went to Tulane to visit the school. It was a real nice experience and a good chance to meet some teachers and tour the campus and get a feel for how things work. Now I need to change my major, meet with my advisor and schedule classes. Last but not least, I need a better job to make up the money that I'm losing to tuition.
-Then I went camping at Tickfaw state park. Went on this cool little trail (my mom asked if I took my hiking boots, I asked what is there to hike up in Louisiana? Its mostly flat land. My dad agreed, lol) with some people from a club here at school. One of the girls forgot her tennis shoes so she was wearing flip flops. So naturally the snake crosses over her foot. She screamed. I froze, not knowing which way to run. Her boyfriend asked "What was it? A bunny?" *insert groan here* stupid boys. Were just going to believe that it wasn't venemous for our sanity.
-Finally, I went to see an Italian Opera, La Traviata. It was pretty good, but its kinda hard to read subtitles and watch an opera at the same time. Sitting a couple seats down from me was my high school spanish teacher...who I haven't seen in 4 years. I thought that he recognized my face, but didn't remember me, I mean, he did teach a lot of students. He acknowledged me. I was shocked when after the performance he said "It was nice to seeing you again, Lauren"

The worst part about spring break is it is never long enough. Its just enough to give you that sweet taste of freedom then they pull you back leaving you longing for more. Now I am just ready for school to be over and done with.

My mother has this unique and uncanny ability to always make me fell like complete and utter shit. You would think she would be happy with a $10,000 scholarship to Tulane...you would think. But NOOOOOO, thats not good enough. She wants more. Its not enough that transfer students only have two options a $5,000 or $10,000 merit scholarship, and I recieved the best one. It's not enough that I got a scholarship in the first place. I would like a little more enthusiasm please. Besides, what the fuck are you complaining about!?! It's not like YOUR paying for it! I'M the one working my ass off this summer so I can pay for it! Try not to act too disappointed when actually attend Tulane next year. I know its nothing compared to Southeastern, of course, but at least try to feign happiness (sarcasm).

And then she tells me to be proud of myself. No one can make you fell quite so inferior as your mother.